I have never learned so much about life, as from those patients who were dying of cancer. When one is dying of a long, slow and tedious illness, all the mayhem and chaos of day-to-day life fades away, and one is left facing what is truly important. Working with terminally ill patients in Palliative Care & Pain Management has provided me the single greatest glimpse into what is important in life. No books on psychology, or philosophy, or religion- can hold a candle to the wisdom and clarity of the Normal Person, the Absolute Everyman, while he is waiting for death.
What was more eerie, perhaps, were the common motifs between every single person's experience of death and dying. Laid out here is what I perceive to be a short-cut of sorts- the blinding clarity of the Dying, giving us a shot at making the most of our Life.
#1 - The Ultimate Regret- Unsaid Words
The darkest of the demons, the heaviest of the burdens, was nearly always the same, for every single person. "I wish I had said my piece." By the time this realization dawned, it was often too late- parents had passed away, friends had drifted apart, relationships had fractured and children had grown up with abysmally poor self-esteem.
The many variations of the Ultimate Regret were, " Did my child know how loved she was, even though I was so strict with her?" " Did my parents know how grateful I was for their sacrifices?" " I should have been less critical and more appreciative of my partner" "I should have checked in on my friends more often".
It has since become my inviolable personal policy to never carry anything forward. I make it a point to say my Thank Yous, I Love Yous and I'm Sorrys.
#2 - The Most Colossal Error- Giving in to Social Pressure
You know the kind and wonderful person you want to marry, but your family doesn't approve of their social class? Take a stand for them, and don't cave in to pressure. You know the less stressful and more meaningful job you want to take, but you are worried about your peers out-earning you? Do the work that you love. What most people regretted most was caring too much what other people thought, and therefore living an inauthentic life.
This realization has given me immense courage and conviction to follow my heart, and not worry so much about how I am perceived- given the choice, it is better to strike out alone, and live a life that is true to ourselves.
#3 - The Universal Antidote- A Sense of Adventure
Those who faced impending death most gracefully were, some reason, an odd mix of people who had absolutely nothing in common. Some were teenagers, some were very old and fragile. Some were staunchly middle-class, yet others were high-powered business people. Some were solitary, others had throngs of visitors and phone calls everyday. I was completely thrown off, and couldn't find anything in common between them- except that they were pleasant, practical and kind, even on their darkest days.
Only days later did it strike me- every single one of them, in their own way, had an innate sense of adventure. They had lived their lives with a deep sense of joy and gratitude, embracing uncertainty and welcoming the unknown. Dying was simply their next epic journey, their next great adventure.